Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Jokes by GrandMaster Lu

There is a joke about a tycoon who worried about his money all the time. When this tycoon wrote his will, he was still thinking about his money. His wrote, "When I die, I want all of my money to be buried with me in my coffin." Since he was a very wealthy man, his coffin would have to be huge to hold all his money. His wife abided by his wish in the will. She converted all his assets into cash and deposited it into her bank account. Then, she wrote a check for all the money he had and put it in the tycoon's coffin. She said, "I gave you the money. If you can rise from the dead again, then the money is yours." What I mean by this joke is that everything is gone when you die.

There was a guy who had a great memory. His memory was really superb (Japanese: ichiban) and his mind was really quick. He said, "Anything that goes into my head, I memorize it immediately. Whatever practices Grandmaster teaches and whatever Grandmaster says, I memorize them instantly. It all goes into my mind. My memory is the best!" Then someone next to him said, "If your memory is so good, then why haven't you repaid the money that you borrowed from me?" The guy with the great memory explained, "That's because your money did not enter my mind, it went into my pocket." (Both Grandmaster and the crowd laughs)

once asked a guy who invested in the stock market, "How are your stocks doing?" The guy replied, "Not good, all the stocks are down." Then the person asked him, "Do you sleep well at night?" The guy replied, "I sleep like a baby, just like a baby." "Wow, you can sleep like a baby. That's great." The guy with stocks explained, “Yeah, just like a baby. I cry as soon as I wake up.” (Grandmaster laughs) We, the members of the sangha, do not invest in the stock market. So, we sleep very well.

There is a joke about talking in one’s sleep. There was once a person who fell asleep and talked during his sleep. This happened while he was meditating. His wife said to him, "I want you to be examined by a doctor because each time as soon as you meditate, you fall asleep and talk in your sleep." The husband said to his wife, "You should not take me to see the doctor. That is the only time that I have the right to talk in our home." (Grandmaster laughs) The only time when he has the right to talk is when he talks in his sleep. This goes to show how bossy his wife was.

Joke about marriage.
Just now, I presided over a marriage ceremony, so tonight will be the wedding night for several couples. I have a wedding night joke. A wife asked her husband, "We are married now. What do you reminisce fondly the most?" The husband replied, "I reminisce most fondly the time before I met you." (Grandmaster laughs) Sometimes, marriage is very scary.

There was once a one-eyed king. His other eye was blind and covered with a patch. One time, the king commissioned an artist to paint a portrait of him. The painter was very scared. He painted the king as having only one eye. After seeing the painting, the king became very angry and said, "Your painting made me look ugly and one-eyed." So, the king had the artist beheaded. Then, a second painter was summoned. When he painted the portrait, the king was depicted with both eyes because the painter was afraid of being beheaded for portraying the king with only one eye. The painting portrayed the king as being very handsome and dignified with two very spirited eyes. The king responded, "This painting does not look like me at all. I only have one eye, but your painting depicted me with two eyes. Behead him!" Then, a third painter was commissioned. This third painter was intelligent. The king was very satisfied with the painting and gave him a large sum as commission. Then, the king proclaimed this painter as the greatest painter in the land. How was this possible? This was because this third artist painted a side portrait of the king that only showed one eye.

There was a time, there were a couple. The husband had gone to jail. One day, he received a letter from his wife. In the letter, the wife asked him what she should do to the big land beside their house. She was thinking of planting something on that land. And she asked for her husband’s suggestion what to plant on that land.

In the replied letter, the husband wrote,


The next day after he sent the letter out to his wife, the policeman and armies (about 50 of them) equipped with tractors and bulldozers came to the land! They dig and drag the soil of the big piece of land beside their house. From 1 corner to another and from 1 end to the other end! BUT they found nothing! Then all of the police and army left the land! But now, the soil of the big piece of land was nicely loosened!

Then, the next day, again the wife writes to her husband, “My dear husband, yesterday very strange thing happened! A lot of armies and policeman come to our land beside our house with tractors and bulldozers dragging the soil of the land!” And then they just left without talking to me!”

Then the husband replied in his letter, “NOW MY DEAR WIFE, YOU CAN PLANT POTATOES ON OUR LAND!”

The husband indeed is a very smart person! He knew it will be very time consuming and hard work for his wife if she work alone to loosen up the soil of such a big piece of land! And it is very costly to hired people to work on such a big piece of land. So the wise husband “borrow” the “outside resources” to achieved his goal, which he don’t have to pay any single cents and also can save a lot of time to get the soil ready for planting!

Take home message:
Just like how smart people who know how to use the power or strength from the BUDDHAS and BODDHISATTVA to achieved enlightment (the ultimate goal of all Buddhist)! This will be much faster! One can even achieve Buddha hood or enlightment in one single life!

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